Most men handle the diagnosis of autism differently than do their female partners. Men are fixers – they’re supposed to fix things – yet our children with autism can’t be “fixed.” It’s not a disorder that is not easily, nor clearly definable, no two children are alike and finding appropriate treatment can feel more like a guessing game than a logical progression of events.
That said, there are things men can do to improve the quality of their child’s life, their own life, their relationship with their wife and other children. Here’s our top 10 list.
1. Be involved at home! The responsibility for the care of your child with autism does not rest solely on your wife’s shoulders, no matter how “busy” or “stressful” is your professional life. Ask about ways you can help. Sometimes just bringing home a bucket of chicken can make the world difference.
2. Accept that it’s not your fault. Moms especially feel this, but dads go through it too. Was it my genes? Something I did when I was younger?
3. Share in the decisions and responsibilities of the child with ASD. Often in a family with multiple children, the mom will handle all the needs of the child with autism, and the dad will be involved solely with typically developing kids. Our session stresses the need for husband and wife to sit down and create a Partnership Plan that allows mom and dad to both share in the challenges, the joys, the decisions and the responsibilities. Yes, this can bring up significant challenges that will need to be resolved. Be willing to break from traditional husband-wife roles and responsibilities to find what works best for your relationship – it can really help.
4. Make time for you and your partner to be together alone. Find the respite care; do whatever you need to do. You won’t be able to build a quality program for your child if you don’t maintain a quality relationship with your spouse. You’ll both survive, but not thrive.
5. Create a Family Plan. Define each of your roles in relation to the child’s care and your family’s physical, emotional and mental health. Involve siblings – they often have great compassion and are eager to help. Strive for balance as much as possible.
6. Communicate with your wife and family on a regular basis. This is not the time for any family member to keep thoughts and feelings bottled up inside. It builds resentment, blame and distance into the family unit. Make the effort to talk about things, even when it’s difficult to do.
7. ‘Network’ with other dads of children with ASD. Once a month, get together and go bowling, attend a sports event or play pool. Sure, you’ll end up talking about autism in one form or another. Knowing there are other men out there experiencing the same challenges you are is important for dads to learn, too.
8. Attend PTC (Parent-Teacher Conference), Seminars and school meetings! Whether or not it’s ‘fair’, most educational professionals sit up and take notice when a dad is attending the IEP meeting. Men hold clout. Furthermore, dads tend to help moms stay more emotionally even-keeled during the meeting, so often more productive work and cooperation happens. Go into each meeting with a plan. Know what you want to your child and have strategy going in – will there be the need for “good cop-bad cop” or do the school officials and teachers work proactively with you to help formulate your plan? Once there, gauge the attitude of the administrators and educators as well, and adjust your strategy. Remember, you both need to keep emotions in check, but passionate. Take a break and split away from the group if things start to get out of control. Reassemble your thoughts and come back into the meeting as a united front. If things are not going smoothly, pull back and say, “we really want to make sure that we come up with an IEP/PTC that really benefits our child, and gives them the best opportunities to succeed and grow.” We know sometimes this is easier said than done.
9. Try to keep autism from dominating your lives. This is a major problem for families. Often, the child with autism has sleeping, behavior, gastro or other issues and challenges that keep the family from doing typical activities. The sleep issues can cause dramatic problems as parents go weeks and even months without healthy sleep patterns. Parents and families tell us they sometimes feel like prisoners in their own homes as well; afraid to go to malls, recreation centers, restaurants or other public places because of the potential for problems to occur. We encourage families to create a plan that slowly introduces the child with autism to outside activities. Accept that there can and probably will be problems, but more importantly, recognize the need for the family to try and do these typical activities. Good school programs incorporate functional plans that both the child and family can work on to create opportunities for fun.
10. Enjoy your child! Autism is only a part of your child; it often brings unique, humorous and interesting attributes that can be celebrated. Be optimistic – good times are ahead. See the positives rather than the negatives. All it really takes is a shift in perception – yours!
Source : AUTISM/ASPERGER DIGEST MAGAZINE
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