10 Things Every Dad Can Do

Most men handle the diagnosis of autism differently than do their female partners. Men are fixers – they’re supposed to fix things – yet our children with autism can’t be “fixed.” It’s not a disorder that is not easily, nor clearly definable, no two children are alike and finding appropriate treatment can feel more like a guessing game than a logical progression of events.

That said, there are things men can do to improve the quality of their child’s life, their own life, their relationship with their wife and other children. Here’s our top 10 list.

1. Be involved at home! The responsibility for the care of your child with autism does not rest solely on your wife’s shoulders, no matter how “busy” or “stressful” is your professional life. Ask about ways you can help. Sometimes just bringing home a bucket of chicken can make the world difference.

2. Accept that it’s not your fault. Moms especially feel this, but dads go through it too. Was it my genes? Something I did when I was younger?

3. Share in the decisions and responsibilities of the child with ASD. Often in a family with multiple children, the mom will handle all the needs of the child with autism, and the dad will be involved solely with typically developing kids. Our session stresses the need for husband and wife to sit down and create a Partnership Plan that allows mom and dad to both share in the challenges, the joys, the decisions and the responsibilities. Yes, this can bring up significant challenges that will need to be resolved. Be willing to break from traditional husband-wife roles and responsibilities to find what works best for your relationship – it can really help.

4. Make time for you and your partner to be together alone. Find the respite care; do whatever you need to do. You won’t be able to build a quality program for your child if you don’t maintain a quality relationship with your spouse. You’ll both survive, but not thrive.

5. Create a Family Plan. Define each of your roles in relation to the child’s care and your family’s physical, emotional and mental health. Involve siblings – they often have great compassion and are eager to help. Strive for balance as much as possible.

6. Communicate with your wife and family on a regular basis. This is not the time for any family member to keep thoughts and feelings bottled up inside. It builds resentment, blame and distance into the family unit. Make the effort to talk about things, even when it’s difficult to do.

7. ‘Network’ with other dads of children with ASD. Once a month, get together and go bowling, attend a sports event or play pool. Sure, you’ll end up talking about autism in one form or another. Knowing there are other men out there experiencing the same challenges you are is important for dads to learn, too.

8. Attend PTC (Parent-Teacher Conference), Seminars and school meetings! Whether or not it’s ‘fair’, most educational professionals sit up and take notice when a dad is attending the IEP meeting. Men hold clout. Furthermore, dads tend to help moms stay more emotionally even-keeled during the meeting, so often more productive work and cooperation happens. Go into each meeting with a plan. Know what you want to your child and have strategy going in – will there be the need for “good cop-bad cop” or do the school officials and teachers work proactively with you to help formulate your plan? Once there, gauge the attitude of the administrators and educators as well, and adjust your strategy. Remember, you both need to keep emotions in check, but passionate. Take a break and split away from the group if things start to get out of control. Reassemble your thoughts and come back into the meeting as a united front. If things are not going smoothly, pull back and say, “we really want to make sure that we come up with an IEP/PTC that really benefits our child, and gives them the best opportunities to succeed and grow.” We know sometimes this is easier said than done.

9. Try to keep autism from dominating your lives. This is a major problem for families. Often, the child with autism has sleeping, behavior, gastro or other issues and challenges that keep the family from doing typical activities. The sleep issues can cause dramatic problems as parents go weeks and even months without healthy sleep patterns. Parents and families tell us they sometimes feel like prisoners in their own homes as well; afraid to go to malls, recreation centers, restaurants or other public places because of the potential for problems to occur. We encourage families to create a plan that slowly introduces the child with autism to outside activities. Accept that there can and probably will be problems, but more importantly, recognize the need for the family to try and do these typical activities. Good school programs incorporate functional plans that both the child and family can work on to create opportunities for fun.

10. Enjoy your child! Autism is only a part of your child; it often brings unique, humorous and interesting attributes that can be celebrated. Be optimistic – good times are ahead. See the positives rather than the negatives. All it really takes is a shift in perception – yours!

Source : AUTISM/ASPERGER DIGEST MAGAZINE

Leading to the Diagnosis

Where to start... My intention of writing this blog has several reasons. Though I will be writing most about my son's journey, sorry if I become a little personal on my blog here, and maybe express what I truly feel at times for this is not only his journey but as a parent it is also mine..... I pray that it may also give information, help someone who is going through the same thing or spread awareness.

As a mom, I love my son and want the best for him, thus the decision to see a child developmental pedia came into play. That was the new start of the rest of our parenting lives for Eli.

Eli, a few minutes after his birth

September 16, 2014 at 6pm, we were waiting outside of the child developmental pedia clinic. Eli was the last patient to be checked and we're glad that we were able to secure a schedule since most appointments for specialist such as this takes months before you can get a slot.

The first specialist that I phoned already transferred to Manila, and there is only one doctor here in Pampanga for children with special needs. She was the one to check on Eli, She made eli play with some toys and observed, she also asked me some questions about my pregnancy and about Eli's delivery at birth. By the time we left her office, Eli was diagnosed.

It was Autism Spectrum Disorder. I wasn't surprised nor was my husband. In the past two years that Eli came into our lives we watched him grow. First 9 months was a fine development, but it must be somewhere around the 6th or the 7th where I begin to notice something different about him. The times when I was trying to teach him how to say "Mama" and "Papa" he doesn't respond. Instead he would laugh, like, "he thinks Mama is trying to make funny noises." Peek-a-boo and close-open were fine little games but when Eli turned 1, his motor skills with walking is delayed, his speech also.

Once when Eli was 10 months old, my mom mentioned that she wonders why Eli doesn't speak yet nor try to mimic speech. My husband and I tried to put it off thinking well, he will soon speak and communicate with us once he grows a little bit more. We also decided not to bring him to a specialist just yet because we thought that the doctor might just over-analyze him with a condition that might not be even there as he grows along... that is until two weeks ago.

Eli started walking when he turned 1 year and 6 months old. He still doesn't communicate well until now. He has echolalia, it all started with some gibberish sounds that he keeps on repeating every time. He also does repetitive things, like pouring a small pail of water into our bathroom toilet. These past few weeks it was asking for a toothbrush, but instead of brushing he only eats the paste on the brush. Potty training was such a pain, I wonder how can he ever not follow my instruction to let me know if he is about to, it should be easy with his age right? but it wasn't.

When he began to walk, he would tip toe, but now I'm glad it's less. His play use to include piling his alphabet blocks on top of each other to make a tall tower, and he would cry when it falls down. He would line his little toy cars. He would lie on his stomach on the floor and move his toy car back and forth observing its wheels. One time he lined up all the coke bottles that were put away near our kitchen sink.

He would flap his hands, jump up and down or squeal so loud to exhibit his excitement. Maybe this he does to soothe or make him feel good about himself. He did this a lot when his cousins came to visit a few months ago while they were watching "Frozen." He would join the other children at primary class at church every Sunday, but it seems as though he is more interested at what the other child is holding than playing with him or her. When his name is being called, he pays no attention to it, he is just always distracted. He also seems to be fine playing just by himself.

As a mother, I can only hope the best for my son. Eli is a sweet boy, he likes hugs. he is also funny and is always happy. Though sometimes it annoys me when he would just simply grab me or his papa's arm whenever he needs help, we all need to work on our patience to teach him how to ask help properly. He can read words even before he can communicate, but he simply doesn't talk; And because he's having a hard time communicating, every time we pray, I learned to be satisfied with even just a simple "Amen" from him. He is also very good with those little puzzle game apps on our android phones.

They say that autism is a lifetime thing, I sure hope it can still be overcome. My son will have to undergo therapy in the next weeks for six months. It's for his behavioral and life skills management. I hope things will be better for him for his autism didn't change the way I feel about him.