Tonight I cried. It's because Eli wouldn't take his medicine, it's the 2nd day of this cold and he is a bit feverish. knowing Eli, he doesn't like taking meds, so this afternoon, I asked my husband to help me have him take the med, which will actually make us both force it on him.
After two attempts, Eli gagged and he was never able to take the first tablet of aspirin down. Hubby as to go to work, so I was left with both the kids.
After dinner, I tried to make Eli take the medicine again, It was a fresh new tablet for his taking. After a few attempts of fighting with him, I was able to finally managed to have him take it down with water. Well, that's what I thought, then as I went o the kitchen to wash my hand, he followed me and then he made a big barf, it was all the dinner food from his plate a little while go, all gone from his stomach including the pill. :-(
I was mad, I cleaned the mess up and thought to myself, I am not giving up. After wiping out the floor clean, I washed my hands gain and got back to him, with another fresh new aspirin tablet. It was difficult, he really wouldn't take it, we were fighting each other even on the floor. I tried to shove the pill into his mouth and pushed it into his throat with my finger but he bit me. I was painful I have to slap him so he'd let go. This happened twice until I finally gave up on the crying boy. He must have felt abused at those moments that I was pinning him to the floor just so he can take his meds.
A few seconds wiping my hands clean and decided no more. I saw his tears filled face, I took pity and cried. I hugged him and said sorry to him. He must have had a hard time, why do I have to force those meds to him when he doesn't want it? But he is sick and he needs those...
I thought, I hated sickness coupled on a kid with autism. Then all the other things came rushing into me. I realized I have not been a good mother after all. I have a short temper, and there are days when Eli makes me loose all my temper, or maybe it's just me loosing my own temper because I am a selfish mother. Why me? He could have been given to other mothers out there who would be kinder to his condition. After crying he came back to me and he motioned "open your mouth, open your mouth" to me, as if mimicking what I was trying to do to him earlier. and he was doing that while crying.
It may be an echolalic nonsense to others but to me, it's a translation of telling me that "what you did really hurt me Mama! and I don't want it, what if I it will be done to you?" I pity him and I hate myself for doing that. I hugged him and asked for his forgiveness I changed his shirt and bed sheets so they can go to bed. He is asleep now.
I have been trying to stay strong but I've never really cried hard enough for my son today. I hope I can do better than I did, next time. My heart bleeds for him.
He is trying, he is a good boy and he needs love.
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